Return of Happiness?

You know, I brought a protein bar upstairs because I have been losing the desire to eat and was worried that I would simply skip supper. A surprise for me, though: I actually did grab some eggs and several vegetables and made an omelet. This morning, my interest in "my activities" has begun to return; and I have caught myself smiling spontaneously.

Oh, and I saw a bird in the bush. For real. It closely resembled a cactus wren, but I am in Michigan - not Arkansas. I also remember this bird being more brown, with less white. Here is an image of a cactus wren.



It might have been a form of thrush. Here is a photo of a song thrush.



It stayed right there in the lilac bush, looking at me while I cooed at how beautiful it was. :)

Maybe Everything Isn't Hopeless, After All

Content Note: mildly vulgar language

Image: Angry Stick Figure stands under rainbow on sunny day. Sun is smiling. Angry Stick Figure is smiling, waving arms, throwing pink confetti into air. Empty spaces in image filled with spirals, colon-plus-D smiley emoticons, line-drawn stars. Words arced (pronounced "arkt") over rainbow: "Maybe everything isn't hopeless bullshit."

Meme gifted by Kamal Fizazi.

Useful for the following:
* depression
* PTSD
* chemical dependency recovery
* others, upon suggestion

Afraid to Smile

Depression: Destruction of the Self
TW: References to emotional abuse and some tactics used in emotional abuse.

"Crap, I am smiling and laughing! Is it acceptable for me to be happy like this? I haven't got permission to be. Can I get away with this? Is there anyone around to catch me?" (Cont'd below image.)

Because when psychological torture involves demeaning a person for experiencing emotions or invalidating that person's emotions or opinions, that abuse survivor is likely to undergo Destruction of the Self - a disconnect with one's own identity. Most likely, the survivor will come to identify with the attacker.

The survivor may also have difficulty expressing feeling or even opinions on exiting the abusive situation. This can manifest in, among other symptoms, emotional numbness or indecisiveness. While these can also double as PTSD symptoms, their basis as symptoms of depression is a lack of sense of worth: I don't deserve to be happy; I am contaminated, so I need permission to be happy; I am not worthy of expressing my happiness to others, etc.

Remember that you have intrinsic self-worth, that you were born with it and no-one has the right to part you from it. You can laugh. You can cry. You can rage. You can be calm. It is all yours. You deserve it.

No.

To that voice in my head:
No. I am *not* a failure. Shut. Up.
Kthxbai,
-F2B

Worthlessness as a Symptom of Depression

You consider yourself so unimportant as to not merit that your loved ones would spend their time and energy on you. You convince yourself that other people in their lives are more important to them and that they don't want you around. In the case of survivors of abuse, a chorus of cheerleaders - the ghosts of your past - chimes in, repeating in the voices of those who have tormented you their descriptions of your lack of worth: "Who would want to spend time with *you*?" "You'll just annoy them; and they won't want to be your friends, either." "Go away; no-one wants to be around you."

The pain is unbearable. It is excruciating. Your mind is just as complicit with those ghosts of your past in inflicting this psychological torture on you. And in this midst of all of this soul-rending pain, you can't reach out to others for comfort, because "no-one wants to be around you," and "you'll just annoy them," and " who would want to spend time with you?"

Worthlessness, especially when backed by a history of severe psychological trauma, is one of the more dangerous symptoms of depression out there.

Hashtags: #‎Depression‬, ‪#‎Abuse‬, ‪#‎EmotionalAbuse‬, ‪#‎PTSD‬, ‪#‎Loneliness‬, ‪#‎Suicide‬, ‪#‎Ideation‬
(A note that as of the time of this posting, I am healthy. There is nothing to worry about save my insomnia and a slight shortage of kleenex around here.)

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